One night under an almost perfect full moon, i found myself in Chinatown. That day was a pretty full day. Recalling its events, i felt a tender soreness of my being. A sense of vulnerability. Though i had rejected the notion then, there was a tinge of loneliness following that feeling of vulnerability like a faint shadow. Loneliness, i recalled the idea that loneliness can compel people to jump into relationships. It seems to fit with what i've experienced myself and in my not-so-perfect observations of others. Back to that fizzing feeling of vulnerability that lasted only several seconds - its importance was clued in by thoughts that followed. Thoughts, like a traveler caught in a storm, who scrambles to find shelter, a place of solace. An image of someone came to mind. A smile from a faint memory. It flooded the blood vessels in my cheeks and lips, stretching a soft grin against the warm night air. I recall what has been called a safe refuge. A true refuge. Truly blessed i was to be standing here. To be able to think these thoughts while waiting for a bus along a not-so-busy road. What are the odds? .)
A friend, Mr. "smokey" had asked me earlier how i had survived for so long 'without a woman'? I told him it was mostly during my teenage years, that i had started tackling with loneliness. Now its no longer much of a problem. I would say its like learning to recognize that you are in a cold ditch. Do i then choose to follow the ditch and look longingly up at its banks? Or climb up hastily at a point of the bank that looks better than the few meters i just passed? Maybe decide to make camp at the spot i just got out of or somewhere nearby? Or even start planning a 2 storey house with 5 bedrooms at that very spot? No, i'd like to climb out calmly onto its bank and get my bearings before deciding where to go.
The chi-tackle, that's what i'd call the tackle i use on loneliness. Its pretty useful to use with many other negative states of being too. So i don't feel that compulsion to thrust myself into a relationship out of loneliness. Don't get me wrong though, i do find the idea of a long term life partner attractive. In fact i have recently had strong motivations to traject towards such a possible relationship. Also i do appreciate meeting up with friends from time to time. Its just not about loneliness. Free of that cold fear.
Then is it to possess love, friendships? Sometimes that self serving craving does get up on stage but quite quickly gets booed off. To share love, friendships? I think that is quite ideal. But is it true? What would drive this desire to share? Fulfillment? What is fulfillment? Basing my happiness on that of others? Tend to slip down the slope too that but then realize i want to climb. To climb, to generate effort. The discovering joy during such a climb. Sharing that joy with others. How wonderful! Is it an urge to be seen as important to those dear to us? It shouldn't be. They would miss the joy then and mistake you for it. No it is too cruel to keep them from joy that they themselves have the capacity to see and taste and channel! To see, to let joy well up inside and overflow. Thoughts of someone went by again.} May she see joy. May you too my friend!
katannuta homi
A friend, Mr. "smokey" had asked me earlier how i had survived for so long 'without a woman'? I told him it was mostly during my teenage years, that i had started tackling with loneliness. Now its no longer much of a problem. I would say its like learning to recognize that you are in a cold ditch. Do i then choose to follow the ditch and look longingly up at its banks? Or climb up hastily at a point of the bank that looks better than the few meters i just passed? Maybe decide to make camp at the spot i just got out of or somewhere nearby? Or even start planning a 2 storey house with 5 bedrooms at that very spot? No, i'd like to climb out calmly onto its bank and get my bearings before deciding where to go.
The chi-tackle, that's what i'd call the tackle i use on loneliness. Its pretty useful to use with many other negative states of being too. So i don't feel that compulsion to thrust myself into a relationship out of loneliness. Don't get me wrong though, i do find the idea of a long term life partner attractive. In fact i have recently had strong motivations to traject towards such a possible relationship. Also i do appreciate meeting up with friends from time to time. Its just not about loneliness. Free of that cold fear.
Then is it to possess love, friendships? Sometimes that self serving craving does get up on stage but quite quickly gets booed off. To share love, friendships? I think that is quite ideal. But is it true? What would drive this desire to share? Fulfillment? What is fulfillment? Basing my happiness on that of others? Tend to slip down the slope too that but then realize i want to climb. To climb, to generate effort. The discovering joy during such a climb. Sharing that joy with others. How wonderful! Is it an urge to be seen as important to those dear to us? It shouldn't be. They would miss the joy then and mistake you for it. No it is too cruel to keep them from joy that they themselves have the capacity to see and taste and channel! To see, to let joy well up inside and overflow. Thoughts of someone went by again.} May she see joy. May you too my friend!
katannuta homi
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